slick n' dirty | story blog from dr. menlo

March 13, 2003 – THE WHITE HOUSE – Today Colin Powell announced a powerful new US ally in the war on Iraq: Harvey. “He’s big, he’s mean, and he’s invisible.” Colin Powell told reporters. “This kind of ally can do significant damage over there.”

Colin Powell then told the reporters that they could ask Harvey questions, but since Powell was the only one who could hear Harvey, he would have to translate Harvey’s responses.

Helen Thomas raised her hand and was immediately escorted to the hallway (“for her own protection”). Colin Powell, after consulting his list, called on Jerry Braun from the AP. Jerry asked, “Harvey, which do you prefer, french fries or freedom fries?”

The room laughs. Colin laughs, too, then nods as he listens to Harvey’s response before saying, “Freedom fries, of course. With lots of ketchup.”

The White House press corp laughs harder. Some wipe tears from their eyes.

Colin looks at the list again and then calls on Mary Watanabe from the Duluth Herald. “Harvey, as we all know, Saddam Hussein is hoarding enough weapons of mass destruction to turn our beautiful big earth into nothing but a radioactive desert for millenia to come. So, even though you are aided by the heroic beyond-all-ability-to-describe US military, aren’t you at all concerned for your safety?”

Colin bows his head slightly while he listens, this time his brow furrowing. “Yes, great question. Well, I love this country, enough to die for it. And I love the innocent civilians of Iraq, as well. That’s why I’m willing to die to liberate them as well from the murderous dictator known as Saddam Hussein. So, there you go.”

Colin raises his head and calls on another reporter from his list.

Joe Coleman from CNN asks: “Harvey, since you’re invisible, will you be sent on a mission which can best utilize this ability? Namely, the assassination of Saddam Hussein? And I have a followup question.”

Colin listens for a minute and then responds, “I can’t talk at all about my missions right now, Joe. Let’s just say that whatever I do, I do it for freedom, I do it for America, and I do it for God.” Colin pauses and then asks for the followup question.

Joe: “If you’re back by Easter could you come over to my house for my little daughter’s Easter party? Perhaps we could paint your fur so that you could be seen–you’d make so many kids very happy.”

Colin listens then, “I’d love to, Joe. Right after the Hero’s Welcome Parade. The only thing I look forward to more than seeing newly liberated Iraqis jumping up and down in the street for joy because now they are free to develop their own democracy–after envying ours for so many years–is coming home to a Hero’s Welcome here in America. Especially the parade in New York city to welcome us back with love, cheers and thousands of patriotic streamers!”

Colin then calls on Mimi Applegate from USA TODAY. Mimi: “Harvey, I don’t have a question but a comment: WE LOVE YOU HARVEY!!!” The room cheers. [Coincidentally, this became the headline on the next day's issue of USA TODAY.] Russell Mokhiber raises his hand to ask a question and is immediately escorted out into the hallway (“for his own protection”).

Colin thanks everyone for coming and relays to them Harvey’s last words: “God Bless you, and God Bless America!” before closing the press conference by leading the White House press corp in a rousing recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. Many wipe tears from their eyes. The end.

[reprinted from Dr. Menlo circa 2003]

IN AN EFFORT designed both to stimulate the economy and further the government’s crackdown on welfare, two Republican Representatives–Robert McKinney of Ohio and Bob Barr of Tennessee–today proposed the “Pets-to-Work Bill.”

Explains McKinney: “There are ten million live domesticated pet-animals living in this country right now. What are they doing all day?”

[reprinted from Dr. Menlo circa 2002]

President George W. Bush today announced a new job for NASA: go after the Pioneer and destroy. “A bunch of years ago, in more hedonistic times, previous men from those times, if they were men at all, being hedonistic and all . . . sent into space a spacecraft of some kind with at least one–maybe more–pornographic images in it. I have ordered NASA to go back into space and get them, because I have soundly decided that America should not be the first country–in the world–to send filthy images into space.”

NASA spokeperson Philip T. Gowes: “What the president is referring to is a single drawing of a human couple, in addition to other parts of the graphic, which shows the human couple naked. The purpose of this graphic, and, indeed, the entire mission itself, was to send a message into space and potentially to anyone else out there–and say hello, this is who we are; this is what we look like.”

“Well, it’s not what I look like!” Bush replied. “I’ll tell you for one thing–I certainly don’t shave my genital area! That’s kinky!”

“The president never actually said the word ‘kinky’,” scoffed White House Spokesperson Mike Gillett. “What the present actually said is ‘That’s Kincaid!’–his secretary, who had just arrived.”

NASA doubts a Pioneer Reconnaisance plan is even feasible, much less desireable. “Maybe if there was oral sex,” NASA spokesperson Gowes says. “Or even sex at all. But they’re not even groping. They’re just anatomically correct. Like a page out of Gray’s Anatomy.”

“Well, we’ll have to look into this Mr. Gray fellow,” responded John Ashcroft. “In fact, if we send someone out now, we can probably get him into the 4pm Roundup.”

[reprinted via Dr. Menlo circa 2001]